WASHINGTON – Congressional Republicans gave their approval today on a measure intended to reject all incoming births. “Too many babies grow up to be terrorists. Our goal is to protect the American people, and the only way to do that is to stop accepting new babies,” explained Speaker Paul Ryan. “We just don’t have a good enough vetting process right now. We can ask them as they’re born, ‘Are you a God-fearing Christian?’ But the truth is, we can’t know for sure.”

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell contributed his support for the bill, and promised a swift passage in the Senate saying, “These babies come here, they don’t speak the language, they have no idea how to fit into our society, and frankly, they stink.”

Democrats have thus far expressed outrage at the bill. Oregon Senator Ron Wyden is deeply opposed, saying, “This is madness. These babies have nowhere else to go. They are literally being forced out of their homes, and we’re going to reject them? It isn’t the American way.”

Other Democrats, including Chuck Schumer, have added their names to those opposed. “They want the same things you and I wanted when we arrived here. Somewhere to call home, food on the table, and maybe a Power Wheels Jeep if things really go well. Basically, the American Dream.”

When pressed whether it was a long-term sustainable plan, Ryan responded, “These people are generally monsters, that’s all I have to say.”

Multi-talented guy Travis Abels stopped by this week to talk about our experience on Reign In Portland, nerd out on improv,  have some baseball talk, and eventually talk about his awesome and wildly successful Kickstarter that you can support called …Or Something Like that.




Comedian, producer, competitive pinball player, other stuff all about town guy, Dylan Reiff called in this week to talk about his Kickstarter campaign, Kickstand Comedy (which he co-founded), and other stuff too. He’s a really funny and nice guy, you’ll like him. Plus, mediocre improviser Matt Lask sat in as well. Just kidding, he’s a much better improviser than me.

Make sure and check out the Kickstarter for Dylan’s film Polybius, it’s a very cool Portland project and you should support it!


dylan lask

Well it’s too late for you to see Ian at Bridgetown, but there’s always next year! It was really fun sitting down with Ian to talk about his comedy show 7 Minutes In Purgatory, and genearlly make fools of ourselves in the lobby of his hotel. Hit it!