WASHINGTON – Congressional Republicans gave their approval today on a measure intended to reject all incoming births. “Too many babies grow up to be terrorists. Our goal is to protect the American people, and the only way to do that is to stop accepting new babies,” explained Speaker Paul Ryan. “We just don’t have a good enough vetting process right now. We can ask them as they’re born, ‘Are you a God-fearing Christian?’ But the truth is, we can’t know for sure.”

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell contributed his support for the bill, and promised a swift passage in the Senate saying, “These babies come here, they don’t speak the language, they have no idea how to fit into our society, and frankly, they stink.”

Democrats have thus far expressed outrage at the bill. Oregon Senator Ron Wyden is deeply opposed, saying, “This is madness. These babies have nowhere else to go. They are literally being forced out of their homes, and we’re going to reject them? It isn’t the American way.”

Other Democrats, including Chuck Schumer, have added their names to those opposed. “They want the same things you and I wanted when we arrived here. Somewhere to call home, food on the table, and maybe a Power Wheels Jeep if things really go well. Basically, the American Dream.”

When pressed whether it was a long-term sustainable plan, Ryan responded, “These people are generally monsters, that’s all I have to say.”

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