PORTLAND, OR – Oregon man Tony Spalding took less than half of the listed estimated reading time to complete a recent article on the importance of sleep he found on Medium. The article was a positively enlightening and fact-filled slog of a piece, all-together worthy of the six minute reading time estimated by the popular article aggregation site. “Just about the time I was really getting into the piece, learning about Andre Iguodala – something about how often he sleeps during games or something – I realized I was finished with it. I was like, ‘Whoa, no way has it been six minutes.”
A quick glance at the clock showed that Tony was less than three minutes into the piece about the importance of getting eight hours of sleep; an astounding feat, considering Tony had never once been under the required time before, an achievement he calls, “getting Undertime”. “I’ve heard of people getting Undertime before, but like a minute or two. I was three Under. That’s gotta be some kind of record.”
The ironic part? Tony got five hours of sleep last night. “I was up late last night watching The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. His brand of humor really gets me. Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed early to get to work, and read the article at my desk. I wasn’t feeling great this morning, but then I realized what had happened. I said, ‘Whoa man, you did it.’ I needed a pat on the back today, and really got one. I really got one.”
CUPERTINO, California – Apple® announced today much anticipated changes to its MacBook lineup for 2016. Changes include an improved Skylane processor powered MacBook Pro, an upgraded retina display for the MacBook Air, and a host of design improvements. In addition, all MacBooks will now include an optional add-on for one fifth of a two bedroom apartment in San Francisco for an additional $1,400 per month. Although widely reported and expected from leaks of internal Apple documents, there was no announcement of an optional hobo repellent treatment, as had been expected.
Apple® president Tim Cook downplayed the disappointment and offered his condolences to those in the Tenderloin and elsewhere staying, “We understand there are considerable challenges facing our world today. And that is precisely why Apple is business – to solve those problems. We have never rushed a product to market before it was ready, and today is no exception. We are resolutely committed to insulating every one of our users from social contact not absolutely necessary, but an announcement on that front will have to wait. Instead we are offering processors in our MacBooks over 30% faster than before, MacBook Airs, still the envy of our competition, will now come with an even better, brighter screen; they’re absolutely amazing.”
He continued, “We know seeing hobos is a serious problem for our users, but today, we focus on what we can control, and that is staying in an unbelievably closed off ecosystem and lifestyle to go along with it. We want every last one of you buying ridiculously expensive clothes for no reason, paying top dollar for old vans that were out of style only a couple years ago, with seriously stupid tents that come out of the roof with a dumb little ladder leading to the stupid ground. And everything else that goes along with being a smug Apple user. Oh, and one more thing. We will also be offering the opportunity to buy into a one fifth ownership of the rent of a two bedroom apartment in SoMo. It’s an unbelievable deal, an absolutely amazing offer that is one of our best ideas we’ve ever had. We will revolutionize the way people are priced out of their neighborhoods, one MacBook at a time. Thank you.”
Lines have begun forming at the marquee Apple stores in New York, San Francisco, and elsewhere, and this reporter is freaking excited.
WASHINGTON – Congressional Republicans gave their approval today on a measure intended to reject all incoming births. “Too many babies grow up to be terrorists. Our goal is to protect the American people, and the only way to do that is to stop accepting new babies,” explained Speaker Paul Ryan. “We just don’t have a good enough vetting process right now. We can ask them as they’re born, ‘Are you a God-fearing Christian?’ But the truth is, we can’t know for sure.”
Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell contributed his support for the bill, and promised a swift passage in the Senate saying, “These babies come here, they don’t speak the language, they have no idea how to fit into our society, and frankly, they stink.”
Democrats have thus far expressed outrage at the bill. Oregon Senator Ron Wyden is deeply opposed, saying, “This is madness. These babies have nowhere else to go. They are literally being forced out of their homes, and we’re going to reject them? It isn’t the American way.”
Other Democrats, including Chuck Schumer, have added their names to those opposed. “They want the same things you and I wanted when we arrived here. Somewhere to call home, food on the table, and maybe a Power Wheels Jeep if things really go well. Basically, the American Dream.”
When pressed whether it was a long-term sustainable plan, Ryan responded, “These people are generally monsters, that’s all I have to say.”
PORTLAND, OR – Grover is your average three year old golden retriever. He loves digging holes in the backyard, chewing on his favorite toy, and running after his ball. “I just can’t get enough of the ball,” he declared while laying on his back, kicking his hind legs into the air repeatedly. When asked about his feelings on petting he quickly responded, “Nobody seems to realize this, but it can actually be pretty painful.”
He started noticing the overly aggressive petting when he was about six months old. “People started doing this thing where they’d pat me my back really hard. I’m pretty sure they think I like it, but I’m pretty sure I have bruising.”
One neighborhood beagle agreed with Grover but declined to be identified for fear of being a bad dog. “Oh sure, it hurts, but what am I going to do? Bite? No thanks. I’ll take my licks and keep quiet. It’s warm in here.”